Things Your Mother Never Told You . . .

There are some things mothers just don't get around to telling you. They don't like to. They don't want to spoil your illusions, or their own.

They don't want their daughters to have sex until hell freezes over and everybody can ice dance. They would, however, like the grandchildren, preferably immaculately conceived - sometime far in the future when they are much too busy to baby-sit. They don't want to tell you things about your father lest you discover that he is not a separate being but just another man. Well, not unless they're divorced - and then they want to tell you everything.

Luckily, says Marion McGilvary, I'm not your mother, so let me fill you in on a few things . . .

Did your mother ever tell you that:
- You shouldn't borrow other women's husbands - even if you do intend to give them back later.
- You should never look in a mirror that won't fit into your handbag.
- Feeling old is relative - turning twenty is finally feeling grown up, thirty seems ancient, forty makes thirty seem young, and fifty makes forty seem like a jolly nice age to stick at.
- Step-parenting means acquiring a ready-made dysfunctional family, as opposed to making one yourself from scratch.
- Childbirth hurts and then you get the real pain.
- Men are not toys - they don't come with instructions and you don't get your money back if they break down. Nor, sadly, are batteries included.

When Marion was growing up, her mother's desires were simple - more sleep and self-ironing laundry. In the complex world of the twenty-first century, women are more concerned with hot sex than the boil wash, and long for a relationship that lasts longer than the washing machine. And if all else fails, they'd rather have a handbag - it looks fantastic, always fits you, and doesn't talk back.

This book attacks the problems of self-help books that are no help at all, dinner guests who won't go home, what to wear when meeting other mothers at the school gates and why married women have facials rather than sex and call it pampering. Illustrated with suitably acerbic cartoons, this is the ideal gift for anyone who can see the funny side of modern life.