The Kiss Of Death

'British beef and French mustard
Go together like snails and custard

I know that sounds like one of Mum's gross TV-chef recipes but actually it's a love poem for Giselle, our French exchange girl. Everyone's trying to impress her - my brother, William, the Revengers, Colin the builder - they're all after her.

I thought if I said something beautiful to Giselle in French she'd like me best, but I could only think of "Bonjovi, j'apple Alistair". That didn't exactly set her heart on fire . . . unlike the shed which turned into the barbecue at Mum's boring Bondi Beach party!

Me and the Revengers want to throw a proper party with people our own age, kissing and crisps. If Giselle comes to that, she'll be able to see how attractive and mature I am. Ooh la la!'

Another hilarious instalment in this brilliant series.